someone got my codes!! arghh.. haha!!

anyways, visit my new blog..

http://being-unloved.blogspot.com

O_o;; she even maintained some texts.. the header text.. the header for the profile.. >.<;; shaxx.. haha!!

†•there's nothing that won't change.. there's nothing that wouldn't end.. that's just the way things are..•†

i don't know what it is.. but i'm tormented by this uneasiness everyday.. my heart is murmuring.. that's why i want to tear at it until blood spills...

just got out of the hospital.. well, actually, it was my mother who had undergone an operation.. and i accompanied her there at the hospital.. so, that's the reason why i've been gone for like.. 5 days.. hehe.. ^_~v anyways, many things happened while we're there.. well, actually, not so many.. haha!! 'coz all i do there was eat, sleep, watch TV, talk on the phone.. haha!! well, of course, i also helped my mom.. ^_^

hmm.. actually, my friends are supposed to visit at the hospital.. but then, something hit me.. and i didn't want them to come anymore.. i don't know why it did at that time, but it really did.. i was really affected by that thought.. i kept thinking about it and developed a headache.. damn it.. *sigh* i guess it really did bug me.. i mean, i was always staring at space.. i didn't know what to do or say.. it just hit me.. i know.. right then and there.. that those were emotions larger than any sin and sweeter than any punishment..

*sigh*

i don't really know why i thought of those things at that time.. it's just that i really thought of it.. it was just stuck on my mind.. but then, after a day, i was back to normal.. smiling and laughing.. and i decided to just stop thinking about it.. because it won't do me any good.. ahihi..^^ so, that's it..

okay.. so, i think that's it.. oh, by the way, that thought.. that feeling.. it was jealousy..

"Nobody can stop the flow of time, but a moment captured in the frame of the heart will never disappear. That will be shown at the bottom of their hearts will always give off a great feeling.. sweet.. and bitter..."

wonderin' why i stopped posting entries?? well, it's 'coz there weren't much happenings during those days.. and well, if there are, i'll just tell you in this entry..

remember my MKR family?? well, they've been helping me a lot.. you know, keeping my mid off "THAT" thing.. and well, they've also been accompanying me when i'm lonely and when i need someone to talk to.. i mean, at MKR, i feel like i am wanted.. and i'm needed.. it's feels nice to be needed.. *sigh*

hehehe.. :P well, anyways, enough 'bout that.. oh yeah, right.. did you ever experience crying, but you completely don't know the reason?? i mean.. like that.. you see, one time, i was reading something.. and suddenly, my tears fell.. and it kept on going.. it didn't stop at all.. it kept on falling.. i caught my tears with my hands and looked at my hands.. clenched my fists and just continued on crying.. i don't know why i cried at that time.. it's just that.. it felt good.. to cry like that.. after i cried, i slept.. and when i woke up, i felt relieved.. like a BIG burden was lifted from my shoulders.. but.. i don't know what it was.. T_T

if you're thinking that it's because of HIM, well, i think NOT.. 'coz i wasn't thinking about him at that time.. i was just.. reading.. come to think of it, i was reading a story about happiness.. then why did i cry?? well, maybe it was just to relieve me.. i was troubled by something.. i can't explain what it was.. but something was definitely troubling me.. but after i cried, i wasn't troubled anymore.. i really felt at peace.. was i holding back on something?? yeah, maybe that was it.. i probably tried too hard to hold back my tears from falling.. you see, i'm pretty worried about my mom's operation.. the thought of going to school didn't even left my mind.. i was also thinking about how i can be as happy as the one in the story that i was reading.. so many problems.. so many complications and stuffs.. oh right, i remember, i was looking at a picture of a smiling girl, looking at a slightly grey sky with a rainbow through her window.. and then i.. i wished to be at peace like her..

haha!! maybe that was it.. that triggered it all.. ^_~v phew.. and i thought i was going mad.. oh well.. it happens.. haha.. ^_^ anyways, gotta go.. still need to do some things.. bye!!

i feel like crying, but i can't.. i feel like sleeping, still i can't.. i feel like having fun, but i still can't.. *sigh* i really don't know what's happening to me right now.. well, except for this ONE thing.. i have nothing to think about.. O_o;;

that one thing that i'm really thinking about right now?? well, i'm really worried about something right now.. you see, my mother's sick and she has to undergo an operation.. T_T yes, a MAJOR OPERATION.. but.. we all try to keep our cool even with the operation.. i'm just glad that they found it out early..

i found out that she has to undergo an operation this morning.. it was the first thing that she told me when i woke up at 11am.. T_T [well, duh.. i slept at 'bout 8am >.<;;] so, of course, i was shocked.. because i've always known my mother as a health person.. i didn't worry much at that time 'coz she was still smiling confidently.. but.. my tita girlie came over and told her the details.. and well, i found out about it.. it is going to be a MAJOR OPERATION.. O_o;; but.. instead of having a worried expression on her face, she just smiled more.. but i know that she's also worried about it.. she just doesn't show it so that we won't be worried.. i know her too well.. she can't fool me.. *sigh*

i'm inviting all of you to pray for my mother's safety.. thank you.. i'd really appreciate it..

tomorrow's MOTHER's DAY!! advance happy mother's day!! ^_^

if it wasn't for that stupid dream, i would be relaxed as ever.. but recently, it's all i've been thinking about.. damn it all.. i am getting perverted.. O_o;; *sigh* his face.. everything about him.. and every time i close my eyes, i see him.. his figure above me.. and me, writhing, below him.. it felt so real.. sweat dripping from his face.. those eyes that drown me in them.. his sweet voice saying my name over and over again.. waaaaaaaa.. i am getting perverted.. i can't believe this!! i crave for him!! waaaaaaa.. i don't want this!! i don't want any of this.. i know i can live without him!! but then.. why am i having these dreams and day dreams?? damn it..

>.<;; i really don't know what has gotten into me.. now, all i think about is his slick, sweaty body.. his eyes.. his voice.. his smile.. my hips working with his.. how he can make me want him more.. waaaaaaaa!! why am i thinking of those things?!?! waaaaaaaa.. O_o;; what's happening to me?? T__T i am really getting perverted..

i just hope that these thoughts disappear before the starting of the school year.. damn it all.. >.<;;

haha!! what's with the title?? i dunno.. just felt like writing that as the title of this entry.. oh by the way, notice the background music?? ^_~v it's "EYES ON ME ACOUSTIC GUITAR" version.. haha!!^^ anyways, try to visit my other blog.. well actually, it's just my "MAY" blog.. and the entries since MAY 1 didn't change.. haha!! they're still the same.. but.. the layout's totally different.. ^_^ you might wanna DISABLE your POP-UP BLOCKER first though.. 'coz that layout is a pop-up blog..^^ it wouldn't work if you have your pop-up blocker ON.. hehe.. well, anyways, try and visit it, k??

heres the URL:: http://iwaslost.cjb.net

what else?? well, nothing really happened.. as always.. O_o;; haha!! oh yeah, my sister arrived at PARIS today.. ^_^ i wish i could go there.. T_T i'm so jealous.. haha!! ^_~v anyways, that's all.. ahihihi..^^ i can't think of anything else..

one more thing, about that "GUY" at my last entry.. well, he's haqle.. haha!! i would be surprised if you hadn't figured that out if you're really close to me.. ahihi..^^

byerz!! >.<;;

well, it felt so weird.. i had this dream.. O_o;; and get this.. about.. HIM.. i can't believe i was so disappointed when i woke up from that dream.. *sigh* but it's true.. i did felt disappointed when i knew that it was just a drem.. T_T awww.. what's happening to me?! am i getting perverted or something?! O_o;; damn it.. well, you see.. perverted is really the RIGHT WORD for me right now.. T_T i mean, to have a dream like that.. >.<;; anyways, just let me tell you what happened in my dream.. O_o;;

i don't really recall when where or how it all started.. all i remember was that HE and i were on the bed snuggling together.. and we were on my sister's room.. then, i don't know how but then we got outside.. and.. i saw my mother walking past us.. then, she told us to have a good night.. and it was good to have HIM stay over.. [he was staying over?! and we're going to sleep together?! in one bed?! well, of course it made sense that we were at my sister's room 'coz she was still gone.. remember, she went to europe..] anyways, we then took a bath together.. [what?! together?!] well, yeah it felt weird.. you see, it was not hard to imagine what his naked body would look like.. besides, i don't need to imagine at all.. 'coz i've seen it.. ^_~v hehe.. after taking a bath, we went to my sister's room again and started to dress.. [why dress up when we're going to sleep anyway?!] haha!! [i was really angry about the clothes.. see?! i'm really turning PERVERTED!!] and so, we went to bed and he hugged me i hugged him back.. we kissed.. softly at first, then probing with HIS tongue.. i opened my mouth and used my tongue as well, working at HIS mouth.. and then our kiss became fierce.. and then.. when he was about to undress me, when i was hoping for MORE, it stopped.. i woke up..

damn it!! why do i always have to wake up at the good part..?! damn it!! anyways, i'm so frustrated now so i'll stop with this entry.. haha!! just guess who that GUY is.. haha!!

i'll tell you tomorrow!! i promise.. 'till then.. bye!!

well, today.. i accidentaly slept earlier than i was planning to.. you see, i know that my sister's going to leave for Europe today.. so, i was planning on sleeping AFTER she left.. but.. i slept at 'bout 4am.. T_T and i didn't even see her before she left.. damn it!! well, at least i got to talked to her on the phone.. *sigh* damn it all.. anyways, everything's good..

when i talked to her, i knew that she was incredibly sad and was very worried for me.. you know, about doing my projects and about my math.. arghh!! we're going to study trigo and she leaves.. bad timing.. you see, she always helps me to think of my projects.. you know, that color scheme thing.. design thing.. theme thing.. and everything else.. and she also helps me a lot with my math.. *sigh* her voice was really full of sadness.. i can hear her sobbing.. and i know that she's crying.. i just wish i could have seen her before she left..

nothing special happened today.. well, i talked to haqle and jep today on the phone.. haha!! but we didn't talk that long.. i think it was just for about 5 minutes or so.. haha!!

oh yeah, right.. title sound familiar?? well, can you guess where i took that from?? haha!! it's fromk "A WALK TO REMEMBER".. haha!!

anyways, see yah!! ^_^

i don't know why i feel like this.. i know that i'm not jealous anymore.. but i still feel lonely.. it's like i'm not loved by anyone.. i feel awful, like my heart's NOT HERE.. like.. no one cares for me.. maybe there aren't people who care about me.. maybe everything that i feel is really TRUE.. and what if it is?? then i don't wanna live anymore.. i hate feeling like this.. i feel like SHIT..!! i feel like everyone will just throw me out like i'm some kind of garbage.. damn it! why do i always feel this way?! why?!

oh well, it won't do me any good if i keep on thinking about it.. by the way, i sang "becaose of you" and "so slow" on MKR.. haha!! ^_~v that's why this entry is titles "SO SLOW"..

oh right, you don't know what MKR is.. well, MKR is a chatroom.. we sing there and have lotsa fun.. MKR stands for "Music Kantahan Room".. i just go there, listen to the music, make friends, sing and let time pass.. you know, to forget 'bout my problems and stuffs.. *sigh*

eniweiz, 'nuff said..

i have so many questions.. questions that always swirl inside my head.. but.. i can't answer even one of them.. i hate feeling like i'm nobody.. that i don't know how to live.. how to be happy.. and how to be really alive.. but it's TRUE.. i am a nobody.. someon who can't seem to find herself.. a person incapable of knowing herself.. someone who doesn't see the importance of living.. they say i'm strong, smart, someone with talent, someonw who can withstand anything.. but.. i know that i'm worthless.. i'm weak.. VERY WEAK..

When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find a new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn't really matter who won or who lost. What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go! You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happpines means that you're not part of it. Everything happens for the best. If the person you love doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.

Love strives in hurting. If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to ! fall. You just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing it's chapters. If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.

The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.

To love is to risk rejections, to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risk nothing! To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true self, to love is to risk not to be loved in return. How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and ever be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.

Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be. For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks, for you know, that there were the things that helped you grow. Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way, whether it leads towards you or away from you.

Love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why.

If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love. There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love coz every time we do, we get hurt, then I figured that's why it's called falling in love. When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love, refuse to let it die!